Copyright (c) 1997 - Ingrid A. Rimland
"I would like to propose a new game. I do not know what to call my new game, but I know it is a fair and just game.
It will be a full contact sport with the following rules, not yet sorted out as to order:
1. The winner of the game gets to kill all of the opposing team's coaches and important players at a ceremony in Nuremberg. Any coaches and important players that refuse to participate in the ceremony at Nuremberg will be hunted until death.
2. All coaches and important players on the loosing team must participate at the ceremony in Nuremberg. However, subsequent ceremonies may not necessarily be held at Nuremberg.
3. Each team can add as many players as necessary until the game is won, but a 1:1 player ratio is strictly forbidden.
4. There will be no time-outs. Any team who sends a player to the opposing side to request a time-out will face life imprisonment in solitary confinement.
5. Any type of sports equipment is allowed. Fully automated sports equipment is recommended, but not necessary to play the game.
6. Any method can be used to play the game - including hitting below the belt, cheating, lying and other method necessary to win the game.
7. The winner of the game can rewrite how the whole game was played. Any spectator on the loosing team who watched the game will be arrested if they don't agree with the winner's view of how the game was played. The winner shall tell only his side of how the game was played.
8. The referee of the game (to decide the score) will come from the winner's side.
9. Each team must care for each other's injured players. After the game is over, the loosing team will be required to turn over the winning team's injured players. The winning team may - at its sole discretion - beat, starve, torture or murder any injured players from the loosing team. The winning team is under no obligation to turn over injured players.
10. Any of the spectators on the loosing team may - at the sole discretion of the winner - be starved, beaten, raped, tortured, and/or murdered.
11. A second entrance fee may be required for spectators on the loosing team. This additional fee can include all personal possessions, houses, property, patents and other valuables. This fee may also be called a "liberation fine".
12. The loosing team shall be forever held responsible for loosing the game. This rule applies even to coaches, players and spectators that did not participate in the original game.
13. After the game is over, the game can be subtly continued at the sole discretion of the winning team.
14. After the winner is satisfied that the game is really over, the goal posts on the loosing team can be moved to make the playing field smaller. Additionally, the playing field itself becomes property of the winning team. The field may be spoiled, stained, destroyed, bulldozed, carved up, given away, etc. at the sole discretion of the winning team.
15. The winning team will install its coaches on the loosing team and both teams will be forced to play on the same side. However, any ceremonies celebrating the original game will only include the winning team.
16. If the winning team requires new uniforms, jerseys, or other sports equipment, these shall be paid for by the loosing team.
17. Any spectator that is neutral may - at the sole discretion of the winner - be blamed for assisting the losing team. Thus, any neutral spectators may be added to the game, even if it is over.
18. Any eye witness from the winning team may accuse neutral spectators of having cheered for the loosing team. In such cases, the neutral spectators shall be considered as having played on the loosing team.
19. The winner may - at its sole discretion - replay the game at any time, even if the loosing team has abided by all of the conditions imposed upon it.
20. All coaches, players and spectators on the winning team shall be exempt from all forms of prosecution, international law, and any treaties, covenants or conventions regarding the "rules of fair play."
Thought for the Day:
"Holocaust Revisionism has been poignantly described by those who labor to carefully look back again and correctively revise the record, as being one of the great intellectual adventures of the latter part of the twentieth century. Both scorn and honor are its pay."
( Russ Granata )
Back to Table of Contents of the Oct. 1997 ZGrams